Scream-Free House, Seriously!

Easiest method I've found to have a fight/scream free house!

This blog shares my method for discipline without having to yell at Raven. Not saying I never yelled, because I'm human, but I never HAD to.

Discover your child's currency and let it free you from endless arguing and negotiating.

I have a pretty damn good kid and I never had to yell at her, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have my crappy parent days. Can’t say I never yelled at her anyway because in the moment I felt like screaming and I’m only human, but that was rare and never useful anyway. My “never have to yell” method is also SUPER easy once you have the right tools. If it wasn’t easy, I guaran – damn - tee you, I wouldn’t have been able to stick to it as a stressed out entrepreneur, bat shit crazy sometimes, single mom.

Here it is, ready? Currency. Nope, not the kind you try to scrape out bills with, your child’s currency. What is currency? Here’s a quick example that may introduce it easier.

For example, my daughter’s currency in Kindergarten was her one piece of Halloween candy after school. Aside from this one piece a day, she didn’t eat a lot of sweets. The ‘choosing of the candy’ moment each day was a huge deal for her, sometimes she would take five solid (kill me now) minutes to choose the ever important one piece. (Side note: She always also had a healthy snack after school.)

You’ll know when your child is old enough to move from the “time out” stage to the “currency” stage, and currency will change with each child and as they age. Raven was mature enough to move on from time-out when she started school and when her first real currency appeared, (the candy). From seven to twelve, Raven listened to her favorite stories over and over every night on her little iPod. Then, after earning it, dun-da-duuuuuun… her first smartphone! That, my friends was and still is the holy grail of currency. Do not cheat and give your kid a phone too early, but I’ll save that lecture for another blog post.

Bottom line, what object/item does your child love or what activity do they do every day that they would miss the most? You’ll see why later, but this must be something they do, get, or use every single day because the punishment grows by the day not the item. For example you won’t threaten today’s Legos, tomorrow’s tv show and the weekend with friends – too much to keep up with! You can take away after dinner dessert, smart phone, video game, wifi password, tv time, Legos etc. Only use dessert if it is a dependable daily thing, but do not replace it with a veggies or fruit option, (teaches healthy is a punishment). It needs to be things they can live without.

Along those lines, here are a few tips on what currency can NOT be. Do not threaten to take away a sport’s practice, or family event. Sport practice is a commitment they made and healthy. Taking away a family event is hard to follow through because it effects the whole family and aren’t usually daily occurrences anyway. Currency is never an earlier bedtime – sleep is awesome, never a punishment. It’s the removal of something tangible that does not negatively punish you or the family.

Ok, rules are boring, let’s get to the part we can use when your kid is whining so much you’re considering just how badly he’d be hurt if you hurled him out the window.

How to use currency is best explained in story form. Here’s a real-life example. Raven was nine, maybe ten at the time. We had a thirty-minute commute to and from school each day. You know that long drive alone with your child where you might laugh at the day’s events together OR they may take advantage of your imprisonment and whine so long oncoming traffic looks appealing? I was about to have one of those “better to run into traffic” rides, but I used this currency method instead. I ended up with a nice quiet pout session (that I comfortably ignored) while listening to the radio and celebrating my “no yell” win.

Here’s what happened.

She asked to go to a friend’s house that weekend and I couldn’t make it happen. I said, “I’m sorry, not this weekend.”

“But I really want to go because blah, blah, whine, blah whine.”

I said, “I heard your reasons, I understand it’s disappointing, but I still have to say no.”

“But.... (more reasons and begging ensue….)

“I said no. If you ask again you lose your iPod for a night.”

“But I…” (Seriously kid MORE whining? Insert mental parent sigh here.)

Here’s the cool part!! I just keep very calmly and in my super bored, “I can do this all night” voice said…

“You’ve lost it for one night, want to lose it for two?”

“But, Moooooommmmm, I really want……”

“You’ve lost it for two wanna lose it for three?” The key is to sound even-keel, almost bored and not upset in anyway. If they smell stress or anger they think they are wearing you down and will keep pushing.

Usually she would give up pretty quickly, but we hadn’t had a fight in a while, so she decided to push the boundaries that day. She made it ALL the way to ELEVEN days with no iPod, her favorite night time routine. It ended with her pouting in the back seat for the remainder of the ride. It’s important not to accidentally be a bully at this point, no need to lecture them or say “see, you should have just stopped when I asked.” Trust me, they learned the lesson for now. Besides, she has a right to be pissed, she lost.

I let her run up to her room and slam her door and pout the rest of the afternoon. Guilty real parent confession, I might have even selfishly enjoyed the alone time. When I called her downstairs for supper, I was chipper and didn’t mention it or force her into much conversation. I removed her iPod from her room while she was in the shower, without saying a word.

Another crucial element to this, stick to it. I’ve never gone back on a punishment, EVER. She asked four days in, if because of her good behavior she could have her iPod back early. I told her she is usually well-behaved, and I appreciate that about her. We could grab a cookie at her favorite store if she wanted, but when I say eleven days, I will always mean eleven days.

Since that day, and the eleven days of punishment, I’ve never had to threaten more than one day without her currency!

Wondering if this works? She is SEVENTEEN now! Currency later became her iPhone, then her car, but the trick was she learned early on to believe me and doesn’t bother fighting. I’ve never had to take anything from her since that day. A seventeen-year-old girl that doesn’t fight with me… I’m telling you, it’s a miracle. She did learn how to respectfully negotiate and back up her reasons as she asked for things, but that’s a life skill. I’m ok with that, but no begging whining once I’ve said no.

Send me your comments (good or bad, I have thick skin), questions and hopefully success stories! Also, include your child’s currency to give others ideas!